Unshackled Love: Parenting in Faith
Unshackled Love: Parenting in Faith
013: Father's Day 23
In this episode, Bruce is reflecting on Fatherhood and what it means to him. He invites you to their dining room table as all NINE little Paynes join the conversation to reflect on their favorite family traditions and give some honest feedback to their dad about areas he can grow.
Scripture References:
- "As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him." (Psalms 103:13)
- "Endure suffering as discipline: God is dealing with you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline?" (Hebrews 12:7)
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Music Intro/Exit: Unshackled by David Upton (listen on Spotify)
Welcome to episode 13 of our Unshackled Love podcast. I am Bruce Payne sitting here with my beautiful, gorgeous, sexy wife,
Kaila:Kaila Payne, and for those of you who are just joining us, Bruce and I are two teachers in the greater Austin area and we are blessed to have nine beautiful and crazy children.
Bruce:And guess what? Speaking of those crazy children right now, it is Father's Day. And because it is Father's Day, we're choosing to do this family style with our nine beautiful, crazy kids. Can you guys say hi?
All:Hi.
Bruce:Yes. All nine of them are here right now. And earlier we had the opportunity to go over to grandpa and grandma's house to celebrate Father's Day. And before we got there, I was sitting there trying to come up with what I wanted to write in my dad's card. And, you know, I, I sat there and thought about different things in life that he has taught me. And the two things that I wrote in the card today had to do with hard work and perseverance. And as I drove home, I couldn't help but think of something my wife had asked me earlier today when we were at the gas station today. What was the question that you asked me? It's in terms of church.
Kaila:Well, I just happened to notice that during the worship section or time at the beginning of service, he kind of was getting emotional, and so I waited to ask him until we were alone, and I said, what about church was making you emotional?
Bruce:And as we were in church today and as I was driving home, the reality is being a dad is one of the greatest joys of my life. I absolutely love being a dad. And as I was driving home tonight, I, I couldn't help but think of getting that joy of being a dad for my own dad. When my two sisters and I were kids, there was nothing better that my dad liked to do than to be our dad. He enjoyed coaching us. He enjoyed spending time with us. He enjoyed being there for us. And as I've gotten older myself, I found myself doing a lot of the same things he did for me, for my own kids. I mean, there's been some, some sprinkles and wrinkles along the way, but overall, His love for family and for us as kids is something that's carried on for me with my generation of kids. And one of the things that we do as a family, and we don't get to do it very often anymore, but we only do it when all nine kids are present, is we sit there and we go around the table asking kids what their favorite part of their day was. And today we're gonna do that, but we're gonna do it a little bit differently just because I would like to ask some other questions as well. we wanted to invite you guys into our dining room table, which is where we're sitting at right now. And how this kinda works is, it is me as dad, I go around, I ask kids what their favorite part of their day was like I said, today for this podcast, I'm gonna change it up just a little bit and I'm gonna ask some other questions as well, especially to the older ones. But I'm gonna start with Harvest Grace. Harvest, how old are you?
Little Payne:Five.
Bruce:And what was the favorite part of your day today?
Little Payne:Grandma's house.
Bruce:What was your favorite part at grandma's house?
Little Payne:Eating.
Bruce:What did you eat?
Little Payne:Ice cream.
Bruce:Ice cream, yes. Harvest Grace ate ice cream and like one hamburger and a bunch of other stuff. And it was wonderful to see her eat. Cuz earlier today she wasn't feeling great. So to see her eat was amazing. How about you Truett? How old are you?
Little Payne:Six
Bruce:Yeah, you are six years old. And what was your favorite thing that you did today?
Little Payne:Um, grandma house.
Bruce:What was your favorite thing that you did at Grandma's house today?
Little Payne:Swimming
Bruce:yes. Did you have fun something in grandma's pool?
Little Payne:Yes.
Bruce:What did you do in the pool?
Little Payne:Squirt Liam.
Bruce:Yeah, you squirted Liam.
Little Payne:Yeah, with the hose.
Bruce:You got him with the hose. That is amazing. Next up is Woody and I'd sit there and ask him what his favorite part of his day was, but I don't think it was when he tried to fart during our first take of this podcast, which really happened. He actually almost, I feel he sharded like it started coming out cuz he was pushing it so hard. But right now, Hey Woody, what is your favorite part of your day?
Little Payne:Uh, my favorite part of the day was going to Grandma's house.
Bruce:And what was your favorite part at Grandma's house?
Little Payne:Uh, at grandma's house we did a water ballooning fight.
Bruce:Yeah. And what else did you do at Grandma's house? Did you eat anything good?
Little Payne:Yes.
Bruce:Let me ask you this, what is one of your favorite things that we do as a family?
Little Payne:One thing I, I love of doing as a family is eating dinner at the dinner table was just spending time with each other.
Bruce:Yeah. And if, if you could change one thing about me as dad, what would it be like to be nicer, more patient? What is something that you think I could do a little bit better as a dad?
Little Payne:Uh, probably be li just like a little bit more nicer.
Bruce:A little bit more. How do you mean a little bit more nicer.
Little Payne:Kinda like what I mean by nicer. Like be li like a little bit more calm.
Bruce:Calm. Do you think that I get a little over? I overreact sometimes.
Little Payne:Yes.
Bruce:No, I don't. I just try to act like Jesus on a daily basis, but I agree. There are days that I could afford to be more calm. Next up is Miss Finnerty Elizabeth. Finnerty Elizabeth, how old are you?
Little Payne:Eight.
Bruce:Wait, you're eight. Eight, going on seven or eight, going on nine,
Little Payne:eight on nine. I'm not seven.
Bruce:Okay. Yeah, you're not seven. She is pretty tall. In fact, I joke with her right now. She's going into fourth grade and she's wearing a dress that her sister wore as a freshman in high school. Finnerty is a pretty tall girl who's absolutely beautiful. Finnerty, what was your favorite part of your day?
Little Payne:Waking up this morning with my mom and making my Father's Day breakfast for my dad. And when he tried to taste his coffee, but he couldn't taste what it was.
Bruce:Yeah, they sat there and they surprised me and I had to wait to see what it was. And I drank it and it was really, really good. But I didn't know what they put in my coffee, only to find out it was some wonderful moon milk. Let me ask you this. What is one of your favorite things that we do as a family?
Little Payne:One thing I think that is really fun with our family is, Eating dinner together at the table cuz it's just like spending time with my family cuz my dad gets home from summer school and we're all together and it's just fun.
Bruce:Let me ask you this, what is one of your favorite things that you and I get to do together?
Little Payne:One of my favorite thing I think doing together is cooking with you.
Bruce:You like to cook. What's your favorite thing you like to cook with me?
Little Payne:Pancakes.
Bruce:Pancakes. If you could change one thing about me, or if there's one thing I could work on, what would it be?
Little Payne:I think one thing maybe you could work on just a little bit more is not getting"noxious" and yelling in the house.
Bruce:Oh yeah. I do get a little crazy sometimes. I understand. Guess what, when you have nine wives? Nine wives. Nine. It feels like nine wives telling me what to do when you have nine kids and a beautiful wife it kind of comes with the territory. Next up is Seiders. How old are you? Siders?
Little Payne:Nine.
Bruce:You're nine years old. And what was your favorite part of your day today?
Little Payne:Waking up and giving you your card.
Bruce:Card. And what was, let me ask you this. What is something that we do as a family that you enjoy doing?
Little Payne:Watching movies together.
Bruce:Watching movies together? What's your favorite movie?
Little Payne:Big.
Bruce:Let me ask you this. If there's something I could work on, what do you think I could work on?
Little Payne:Like if we lose. Or like if we play bad in a soccer game, you like, have more patience with us instead of like, oh, like, just have more patience with us.
Bruce:Yeah, more patience. It's funny cuz my older daughter's staring at me right now. Let, let me get this correctly, real quick. Today you had a soccer game and how many goals did you give up earlier in the game that were your fault?
Little Payne:Two.
Bruce:Two. Did I actually get mad at you about that or did I sit there and say, next time just kick the ball out. What happened?
Little Payne:You just said, next time kick the ball.
Bruce:So is that actually really being mean?
Little Payne:No. But like sometimes you will get like that.
Bruce:Sometimes I do. Yeah. I think it's gotten better with time, but he's right. There are times I get very passionate about my kids and when they do things. Next up is Peewee Lee, Liam. He's staring at me right now. I make fun of him on a regular basis with a name. I call him Peewee Lee. Sometimes he's Peter Gazer. It just kind of depends on the day. Right now, Liam, what was the favorite part of your day today?
Little Payne:Going to Grandma's house.
Bruce:What was your favorite thing that we did at Grandma's House today?
Little Payne:Giving you your Father's Day slash birthday card.
Bruce:His Father's Day slash birthday card was pretty cool. It gave me 10 things, on there that I should know as dad, or 10 things, just facts about life. And one of'em was that girls are girls and boys or boys, but they're the same in terms of how they should be treated. In our house, my girls are treated like princesses. My boys. Guess what? You better figure out how to live life because one day you're gonna have to treat girls like princesses. So figure it out. and so as a result, my girls do get a lot more than my boys. I'll give him that. What is one of your favorite things that we do together?
Little Payne:Play outside.
Bruce:What do you like to play outside?
Little Payne:Basketball and soccer.
Bruce:Let me ask you this. When we play basketball, how often do you beat me?
Little Payne:One out of 1,000
Bruce:out of like a million, he's beat me one out of a million. And that one day I had my hand tied to my waist and I was blindfolded. No, for real. Cause he actually had a chance to sit there and beat me cuz you wanna know what I think if he were to sit there and ask his older brother how many times he's beat me, it's a donut. So anyways, here we go. What is one thing Liam, like over the course of time, you and I spend a lot of time together with sports, with life and doing things, what is something that you think I can work on?
Little Payne:Having patience.
Bruce:Did you say patience? It seems like there's a common theme with me and patience right now.
Kaila:I was just about to say the same thing. I'm starting to notice a pattern.
Bruce:A pattern. Yeah, it is a pattern. Next up is Gabrielle. Over the course of life, she has been known as"Phat". Even in high school, I work at the same high school she's at and I say, Hey,"Phat" turn around. And all these high school kids look at me like, did you really just call some girl fat? And I'm like, yes. It's with a pH as in beautiful. It's just a nickname I've had for her since birth. She's my little Phat and actually Seiders is my chubby. They're both cute and, and fat and chubby. Gabby, what was your favorite part of your day today?
Little Payne:Um, I think being able to go to church as a family this morning,
Bruce:I agree it's not very often due to our schedules that we're all at church necessarily at the same time, but it does happen from time to time. What is one thing that you've enjoyed doing with me as your dad?
Little Payne:Um, I think this past year, especially like going in a recruiting year for soccer is just having those life conversations of like, where do you wanna go? Where do you wanna be? Like, just trying to help me figure out who I wanna be in the future.
Bruce:Yeah. I agree. I have a lot of fun doing that with you. I think a big thing is, is not who you want to be in the future, but in terms of molding your character now so that one day when your future is here, you can shine. That's something I wanna do as a dad, uh, in terms of me working on things. I know that there's a very, very nice trend going on. If you had to sit there and say something for me to work on, what would it be?
Little Payne:Um, You know, there are a couple things, but we'll focus on patients.
Bruce:No, I, I am here today and I'm saying gimme those couple things.
Little Payne:Um, so this one I guess isn't as serious, but, you know, just self-control with eating because I feel like there are many times where you will pressure us to go get ice cream because you want the ice cream.
Bruce:Wait, that's a problem? I sit here and go get ice cream with my kids. You wanna know what she's sitting there saying it's me. That's, and I love how she's laughing. It all stems from my older daughter who's gonna go next, who pressures us into getting ice cream and then I invite both of them. Wouldn't you agree, Zoe?
Little Payne:Whoa, whoa.
Bruce:Anyways, back to Gabby. What is something else I can work on?
Little Payne:Um, just patience and just kind of knowing where we are in life and how some things might be different for one kid than it would be for another.
Bruce:Absolutely. I think that is something, I think as you guys have gotten older and as I've gotten a little bit wiser and weighing a lot less. Um, just kidding. I don't wanna throw over that. I've lost a hundred pounds in there right now. But, um, the reality is yes, as you guys have gotten older, and I've gotten wiser, You guys are all different and there's different talents that you guys bring and there's different loves and wants in life, and it's understanding that each of you are designed just how God made you. So thank you for that. Next up, if anybody knows, my daughter Zoe. She's the absolute most sweet girl, but my favorite part about her are her ankles because she makes me go get ice cream with her on a regular basis.
Little Payne:Okay. Actually, no, I don't
Bruce:How old are you?
Little Payne:I'm 17. Thank you.
Bruce:Okay, wait, wait. You don't make me go get ice cream.
Little Payne:Uh, no.
Bruce:Okay. Back back to the script. Back to the script. There's actually no script that we're doing this right now, just kind of going crazy. What was the favorite part of your day today?
Little Payne:I liked gonna grandma's house and eating.
Bruce:Yeah. Guess what? Eating. Did you hear that she liked to eat
Little Payne:eating? He had like three servings of ice cream. Did I? No.
Bruce:I had two. No, two, dos.. Two.
Little Payne:Oh my bad. Two.
Bruce:Each one had a five scoops though, so,
Little Payne:yeah.
Bruce:Yep. And so let me ask you this, in life, what, what is something that you enjoy doing with me?
Little Payne:Um, okay, so I know I just said that I don't make you go on those like ice cream trips, but like those coffee runs are ice cream runs because like we have deep conversations at that time and it's just us.
Bruce:Yeah. I, you don't know what right now for, for those of you who have daughters, I recommend you guys taking the time to go on dates with them, showing'em what it means to be treated correctly and treated right. Throughout the week, I'd say at least once a week, if not twice a week. We either get coffee or ice cream together. The most amazing part is that she pays for it for me more times than not. Cause I'm poor cause I'm a teacher. And so she takes us out to coffee, but the reality is we have a lot of good conversations during that time just about life, which has been really awesome this last year. and let's see, I know the trans patience with me, but no, what is one thing you think I could work on?
Little Payne:Okay, so maybe like patience a little bit. I just feel like, like a lot of times like, I don't know, we can all be a little tense here and there and just cuz like, I don't know, we don't wanna say or like do the wrong thing to like put you like over edge or something.
Bruce:Yeah. Which kind of puts me back to patience, right? I mean, I think it goes back to it. There are times there's a lot going on, and I think how she's referring it to is that there's times that they, they might do things or say something and I might already be going to the boiling point, and then they say something that makes me just go, aaahhhhhhh, And I don't even necessarily at anyone, but just, I just can't handle anymore. I mean, and it's not even very frequently, I'd say, but it does happen from time to time, especially during stressful days or weekends or when things are going crazy. Next up is last but not least, it's my junior. His name is Bruce. Bruce, how old are you?
Little Payne:I'm 18 years old.
Bruce:And what was your favorite part of your day today?
Little Payne:Being able to go to church today as a family? Cause it's not something we get to do as, uh, much as.
Bruce:Gotcha, man. And let me ask you this. What is something that you enjoy doing with me?
Little Payne:Uh, I enjoy family sports games, whether it's football or basketball or soccer. You know, it gets competitive and it's a lot of fun.
Bruce:Yeah, I think there's a lot of days that, I mean, I say there's a lot of days. There's been a lot of times over the last. 15 years, 14 years, 13 years where him and I have played basketball or whatever other sport outside. Some of the games getting kind of physical as he's gotten bigger and we're kind of the same size. Um, just playing physical, which has been a lot of fun. If in your term, I mean to you, what is something I can work on?
Little Payne:Um, well, I just want to say, You know, we've had our ups and downs, but you know, the dad that I grew up with is different than the, than the dad I have today as far as, you know, being more mellow and, you know, progressing. But I just think something that you could work on a little bit is giving us a little bit of room to express ourselves and, um, yeah.
Bruce:No, I, I think it's great, man. I appreciate you and your honesty there. You wanna know what, when you have nine kids and, and you're sitting there, my wife and I were teachers and I think, you know, there's a lot of things that we've gone through ourselves, as parents and you try to sit there and shield your kids from it. And, I mean, I think that's us as parents. I think at the same time as teachers, we sit there and see kids go through things and it's like, man, we can see things coming from a mile away. And there's a lot of times I find ourselves sitting there, you know, trying to protect our kids when the reality is they need to go through some things themselves. And so I appreciate all of you guys. Uh, honey, let me ask you, what is the favorite part of your day to day? And no, you can't say earlier when we were snuggling.
Kaila:Favorite part of my day today was just spending quality time. We were at Grandma and Grandpa's, but there was golf on, and we just had a moment where kids were playing. It's just nice to be able to spend time together, just even if it's just watching golf.
Bruce:And let me ask you this, what is one of your favorite things that we do as a family?
Kaila:I love that we get outside together. So I know that it's something that a lot of people, I just feel nowadays, it's not something that, you know, you don't see people playing outside or at the park as often, and so I love when we even have just family practices, uh, because we have so many athletes and my husband's a coach, we'll go out as a family to the fields and I'll even jump in on the drills or pass some balls. And it's just such a great way to spend time together. And it's being present with the kids. It's not just sitting on my phone while the kids are playing on the playground, but it's being involved with them and doing something with them. And I appreciate that time of just like being together and doing things together.
Bruce:I agree. I couldn't agree more. I love family time together, regardless of what we're doing. I love doing it together. What is something I could work on?
Kaila:I think something that you could work on, and this kind of ties into patience, but just giving the kids a chance to explain themselves before you get upset, because sometimes I think that we have so much going on, and, and I'll include myself, that we're quick to jump to conclusions because of how we think something happened, or we jump to a conclusion on just like the perceived attitude of, oh, I can't, you know, I don't wanna listen to you cry right now, so I'm mad at you instead of listening to the reason why they're crying. And, I think that that's just something that even as, I mean, not just you, but even me, just maybe taking a moment to pause and actually really assess what's going on in a situation.
Bruce:I appreciate that. And so, you know, as sit here and I listen to you guys, it's funny as your father. I sit there and I self-assess myself on a regular basis. I think, you know, Bruce said it kind of perfectly in terms of the guy who I am today wasn't the guy I was 15 years ago or even 10 years ago. There's a lot of pain and hurt throughout the years, and we're at a point now in life where, when Jesus is a focus, things look a lot different, right. And I think over the years, whether it was drinking, whether it was anger, whether it was divorce, bitterness, whatever it might be, played a huge effect in who I was. And as I've gotten older and as we, Kaila and I have focused more on God as the center of our marriage, things have trended in an upward way towards God being a lot different in terms of how their house is right now. So I praise God for that. but in terms of patience, I agree. I think over the years, you know, someone who is, I wouldn't say a perfectionist necessarily, but in terms of coaching and expectations, I do have expectations. Going back to what my dad instilled me as a kid was, you better do hard work. You better not cry unless you have blood. And guess what? You better persevere and do the best you possibly can. Right. And that is something that I've instilled in my kids. I think if you're to ask every single one of'em, it's, those are non-negotiables in my house. Like, you're gonna work hard and you're gonna persevere. today, as I reflected though, you know, I got up this morning and I had a buddy say, happy Father's Day. And I was like, what is Father's Day? What is, what is something I can continue to work on? Or what are areas that I need to continue working on? And, and the first verse that came to mind for me today. As I was sitting there and just doing a little research comes from Psalms 103:13, and it says,"as a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him." And the reality is, as a human being, I'm not perfect as a human being. I'm not gonna sit there and do everything perfect, but guess what? We have a mighty God who's compassionate towards me as a human being. That because I feared him and because I love God, he's willing to show compassion to me even when I might not deserve it. He's willing to show compassion on me even when I'm at my weakest or worst point. And the reality is when I'm dealing with kids is a lot of times, as my wife just said, my kids has said that I'm impatient. Well, the reality is their kids and they have to be able to learn from their own mistakes. And as I said to a buddy earlier today, you wanna know what. I have to remember that I was a kid once upon a time too, and as a result, I wasn't always perfect and my parents needed to show compassion on me. And the reality is, as I move forward with you guys and parenting you, I need to be able to show more compassion on you guys as you guys suffer bumps and bruises, because you wanna know what that's gonna build your character and who you are. And in the second verse that I look at even more cuz I, I look at, there's a word in here that is not very popular, I feel in our country today, which is the word discipline. Not just our country, but our world. And it is Hebrews 12:7. It says,"endure hardship as discipline. God is treating you as his children for what? Children are not disciplined by their father." Okay? And so the reality is in life we're gonna have ups and downs. Are you gonna either persevere through those downs, or you gonna sit there and look at those downs? Knock you over. Are you gonna go over a speed bump on a bike and let the speed bump knock you off your bike? Or are you gonna figure out a way to get over that speed bump on your bike? When I was a young kid, I'd least like to try to jump over the speed bump. Well, guess what? I'm might have fallen down a couple times. You have to be able to get back up and persevere and go through it. And as I sit here and look at discipline though, there's a difference between disciplining out of anger and disciplining out of love. And I think that's something very important to know as parents. Okay, the reality is not disciplining at all is horrible. But guess what? Discipline outta anger is just as bad in my opinion, and there has to be a way that you're able to do what I love. Guess what? If a kid needs to get spanking, give him a spanking. Okay. If a kid needs to get time out, put'em in time out, whatever works for that kid, do it to them, but do it outta love. And I think that's something, as my kids have sitting here and said with patience is there's been a lot of times over the last 18 years of parenting nine kids where I haven't been very patient in terms of how I've responded to something, especially when I've seen something coming from a mile away. And it's about to crush'em in the face. I'm like, are you kidding me right now? But guess what? I need to have compassion. Realizing that they haven't gone through life like I have already, that they need to experience this for themselves. On top of that, I need to be able to discipline them outta love and explain why it is it's not smart to do what they did. And I think that's something that my wife have worked on that we can continue working on. I know for me as a parent, just speaking to other dads right now, I encourage you to tell your kids you love them. I encourage you to sit there and show compassion to your kids. And most of all, I sit there and encourage you to discipline them cuz we're in a day and a right now, as our pastor said this morning of, of lawlessness where kids don't want to sit there and be told what to do. And the reality is you can see the negative effect that's having on our country. Honey, is there anything that you wanna add?
Kaila:I think just when, going back to the word discipline, I know we have a podcast, y'all can go back and listen to it on anger and discipline and we talk about, you know, discipline really is, it's not just enforcing punishment, but it's really correcting behavior and like I think you hit it on the head that you know what you did or this action that wasn't okay and this is why. And showing our kids the consequences that there are, because bad choices have bad consequences, but good choices have good consequences. And discipline is really about raising our children to be successful, thriving adults who have that foundation of the difference between right and wrong and the foundation of how God expects us to live, and being able to persevere and all of those great character. Traits that you were talking about, and that those are really important to have in life, and our kids need to learn those at a young age. So I think discipline comes so much more too than just, you know, punishing bad behaviors, but also reinforcing the good ones and instilling those character traits that they're gonna need in order to be successful in life.
Bruce:Amen. And, and right now I just wanna say thank you guys for joining us. Normally I have my wife and in prayer cause I love listening to her pray. But on this Father's Day edition, I'm gonna pray and as I choke up right now, cause I, I am getting emotional. I love being a dad. I do, you know, some people are put on this earth to be a businessman. Some people are put on this earth to be a doctor. I was put on this earth to be a dad, and from the bottom of my heart, it brings me the greatest joy. So here we go. I'm gonna pray Dear Heavenly Father, thank of this day. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to sit here and have this family podcast time together. Thank you for letting me sit here and listen to our nine kids and listen to what they had to say about our family time together, and also me as a dad. I pray I can take these words and learn from them. I can take for, I can take these words and let them marinate in my heart. So that I can become more like you and all that I say and do, including being a dad. I pray that you can be with fathers out there everywhere right now, Lord, that you can. Let them find time for their kids that you can let them find time in their heart to wanna discipline and show compassion to their kids, just like God shows us on a regular basis. I pray that you can be with families, Lord, who are lacking strong, Godly Christian men, that you can bring men together to lead their families, that you can bring men together to lead their wives and their homes, that you can bring back the family values. That are of the Bible. Lord, thank you for loving us and for dying on the cross for a sins that we didn't have to. I pray that you can be with people as they continue, their summer. Lord, just be with them as they travel. Be with families that are broken. Be with families that are thriving right now. Be with families in general, for you are for families, not against family. Yes, Lord, we love you and thank you for this time, Lord. In Jesus' name we all say
All:Amen.